12/01/21

We didn’t just break;
We shattered.

Smashed irreparably into fragments.

I cannot conceive that time will grind
The shards of us to sand.

Counting the days since you

Day one without you:
I burrow in schematics of electrical things. In trying to understand them, I hope I can forget you. I fail in both regards. I choke myself with ruggedized cables. I fail a third time.

Day two without you:
I surround myself with people who are not you. I remember that there are people who are not you. I eat a buffet lunch. I sob into a shakey sleep, fingers grasping the palm of my phone.

Day three without you:
The people still are not you. They are offensively not you. I salt my Caesar salad with tears at the table. I learn that grief is unappetising. I acknowledge that this is grief. I push my plate away. I hope I lose too much weight.

Day four without you:
I drive. I drive as far as I can. I have to stop to pee. I whisper promises to trinkets in shops. I abandon them before committing to the checkout. I delete your number. I switch off my phone.

Day five without you:
I try not to write about you. Nothing rhymes. I turn my phone back on. I reply to my mum’s messages. I wait for a text from an unknown number.

[29/09/19]

Goodbye

I didn’t know I’d lose you so I didn’t say goodbye.
And, even now, I’m looking back and I’m still wondering why.
I wanted to be close to you and give you all of me.
I guess that all was all too much– it wasn’t meant to be.

I still recall the first time that I looked into your eyes
And searched in them for softness, but it wasn’t there to find.
I used to make you smile… Then I only made you frown.
I always tried to lift you up, you said I brought you down.

I tried so hard to love you and that’s where the problem lay;
I made a choice to drown with you and let love float away.

[30/12/18]

When you sing

I love it when you sing to me– I love you feeling heard.
I love each single letter of each syllable, each word.
I love it when the rhythm’s wrong, I love you out of tune;
I love to hear you humming on your own in the next room.
I love it when your voice cracks and I love it when it breaks.
I love your perfect melodies, but I cherish your mistakes.

[30/12/18]