12/01/21

We didn’t just break;
We shattered.

Smashed irreparably into fragments.

I cannot conceive that time will grind
The shards of us to sand.

Counting the days since you

Day one without you:
I burrow in schematics of electrical things. In trying to understand them, I hope I can forget you. I fail in both regards. I choke myself with ruggedized cables. I fail a third time.

Day two without you:
I surround myself with people who are not you. I remember that there are people who are not you. I eat a buffet lunch. I sob into a shakey sleep, fingers grasping the palm of my phone.

Day three without you:
The people still are not you. They are offensively not you. I salt my Caesar salad with tears at the table. I learn that grief is unappetising. I acknowledge that this is grief. I push my plate away. I hope I lose too much weight.

Day four without you:
I drive. I drive as far as I can. I have to stop to pee. I whisper promises to trinkets in shops. I abandon them before committing to the checkout. I delete your number. I switch off my phone.

Day five without you:
I try not to write about you. Nothing rhymes. I turn my phone back on. I reply to my mum’s messages. I wait for a text from an unknown number.

[29/09/19]

Other girls

He told me I was different
To all those other girls.
I was smarter, funnier,
Prettier and witter
Unlike all those other girls.

Unlike all those other girls,
I was stronger, less hysterical,
More logical, more rational.
I had a male brain.
Unlike all those other girls.

And, like those other girls,
It broke my heart to think
That he’d had all those other girls.
That he had such a low opinion
Of those other girls;
Those nameless girls
With no defining features.
Unremarkable girls.
Other girls.

And I realised that, after a life
Spent wishing to be more like other girls,
I’d rather be another girl
With his long line of other girls.

[05/02/19]

No more for you

How many more poems are in you?
I don’t want to keep writing about you.
Thinking about you.
Living and reliving you.
I don’t remember good with you.
I don’t want that nearness to you;
That association.
How much pain is in me still?
It is mine, not yours.
I reclaim my pain.
I reclaim my words.

[06/01/19]

Goodbye

I didn’t know I’d lose you so I didn’t say goodbye.
And, even now, I’m looking back and I’m still wondering why.
I wanted to be close to you and give you all of me.
I guess that all was all too much– it wasn’t meant to be.

I still recall the first time that I looked into your eyes
And searched in them for softness, but it wasn’t there to find.
I used to make you smile… Then I only made you frown.
I always tried to lift you up, you said I brought you down.

I tried so hard to love you and that’s where the problem lay;
I made a choice to drown with you and let love float away.

[30/12/18]